Don’t you just love the homophobics, the bigots and clowns of the Christian Coalition and fundamentalists? “The bible is God’s word,” they yell at us… “the bible is true… every word… and by God himself… and we live by that book… and what it says… we do. And it says right there in Leviticus 18:22 that you shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”
Now, if we live by that archaic, ignorant and superstitious book, just look who else is going to hell. Ah, what fun. Practically all the political leaders in Washington, that’s who. “And God said you shall not marry a woman divorced from her husband.” (21:7). How I love that bible. There went Reagan… Dole… Gingrich… Buchanan and all those other big shot Republicans and Democrats who have broken God’s law and married divorced women.
And the fun and games have just started. Look at Leviticus 20:10. I love that bible. “If a man commits adultery, both the adulterer and adulteress shall be put to death.” There goes almost everyone in Washington, D. C. and the Pentagon and Sacramento all burning in hell. What a show. That bible is right on as to who is going to burn… and it is darn near everyone you see by the time you finish God’s list. The gays are going to have a lot… a very lot… of company while they are all burning together.
You ranchers and farmers have had it… like I mean HAD IT. Leviticus 19:19 orders you that… “you shall not let your cattle breed with a different kind.” How I love that God. He tells those ranchers and farmers, “Now Claude… I’ve seen you cross-breeding Charolais and Angus. And those white face Herefords you crossed with Longhorns. How could you have missed my orders?”
And what’s next in God’s orders to keep the gays company? My oh my… all the clothing shops… fabric shops… clothing designers all headed straight to hell. Oh my… tears flood my eyes. Leviticus 19:19 orders us as follows: “You shall never wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material.” But, hey God, I like to wear shirts and jackets of linen and wool… linen and cotton… polyester and cotton and so on… and, oh my, all those nice people burning in hell for breaking God’s laws. How much more can we take? What, you mean we have barely started on who is going to burn? What a sense of humor he has… that God. I say “he” for no Goddess would issue such a list of stupid, crank commands.
You farmers have had it, man. Read this: “You shall not sow your field with two different kinds of seed” (Lev. 19:18). There goes that mixed seed for hybrid corn. And those beautiful fields of alfalfa and clover are going to burn… burn like in hell.
You remember Nancy Reagan who used to live by astrologers. Wonder what her horoscope said the day she started burning… with new perfume on yet. Leviticus 19:31: “Do not turn to mediums or seek them out, to be defiled by them.” Oh Nancy, you looked so pretty, before you started burning.
And hey… one thing God said, that really gets your attention. WOW… you talk about child cruelty. Here is a great one for your smart ass kids (Leviticus 20): if they give you any lip, why… simple… kill ’em. Forget all that weak stuff like grounding them or cutting their allowance. Simple solution. God said: Just kill ’em. That God was the original Judge Roy Bean of West Texas: “we will give ’em a fair trial and kill ’em.”
So I say to all the Christian Coalition phonies and fundamentalists: “If you say Leviticus is God’s word on gays and lesbians, then the ENTIRE BOOK OF LEVITICUS is God’s word and God’s laws… so LIVE IT… walk the talk… or GET OFF IT.”