Round 2


[A teachable moment. -DS]

To the editor:

Having read and studied Mark Albrecht’s and John Hendricks’ “Issues preference test,” in Sunday’s Journal, I’m inclined to give myself a grade of “Conservative, Republican.” But I have a few questions for clarification, just to make sure I’m understanding all the vocab on the test. Here goes!


This is the one I had to work on first. I’ll admit it took me a minute or two. Everybody knows that being “pro-life” is a code-word for being against abortion, but sometimes women die in childbirth when abortions would have saved their lives. So sometimes pro-life means pro-the-opposite. Probably that explains why pro-life folks tend to support the idea that an unnecessary war can be good for the country — provided, of course, that it involves the death of a sufficient number of other people’s children. And, too, usually it’s the people who are pro-life who see no need for health care reform, because they know that if people without health insurance get sick or injured, there’s the comfort that death is always going to be right there ready for them. I put myself down as pro-life.

Rule of Law:

I’m certainly in favor of this one, because people who support the rule of law give thanks on bended knee once a month, as I do, for all the red-blooded American guys and gals out there who love to torture.

Rule-of-law folks like things to be official, and so that’s why they’re so totally behind the big new push to get beating up gay people adopted as an official Olympic sport.

Rule-of-law folks believe that terrorists should not be tried in open court because our criminal justice system is just too namby-pamby weak to handle this type of open-and-shut murder case. They also believe that when the founding fathers wrote in the Constitution that people accused of crimes had the right to a fair trial, they can’t have meant to include everybody.

So I’m a “yes” on this one.

Balanced budget:

That one’s easy. It means:

Steeply reducing taxes on the very rich at least once every congressional cycle;

Defunding basic human services to people who are so stupid as not to be able to afford them.

Count me in.

Private property ownership:

I know what this one means. It’s that we should 100% privatize all the airports, schools, highways, bridges, overpasses, freeway directional signs, colleges, lakes, rivers. streams,  hospitals, flowering street trees, police stations, fire stations, military bases, aircraft carriers, coastguard cutters, airport security scanners, don’t forget the nuclear powered submarine fleets, and also all the air, water, moonlight, sunlight, and spring rain that people seem think are “entitlements” which they have a right to share in without being subjected to bill-pay once a month.

Strong military:

Of course! (and watch I don’t kick you in the shins with my kneejerk here!). Of course I’m for a strong military, so long as it means turning over more and more of the duties of our highly trained and law-abiding soldiers to corrupt and lawless mercenary thug corporations like Blackwater, who do their best to undo all the progress our soldiers make and then bill us for the privilege to the tune of billions.

Oh, and I’m also for a strong military if it means bloating the military budget with sweetheart no-bid contracts that make sure that the price of toilet paper supplied to our military bases (the secret ones too!) never falls below a base price of $20 per roll.

And don’t forget railroading all our Arabic-speaking gays out of the Service because what they’re really up to, as we speak, is undermining the morals of all the school kids in metropolitan Tallahassee, K-12.

Traditional Marriage:

I’m clear on this one, all right. But I’m for it only if it means continuing ALL our wonderful matrimonial traditions, like our 50% divorce rate, and our sky-high rates of physical and emotional conjugal abuse, and there’s adultery of course, which needs to be kept in mind although it’s hard to spot because it’s always so far off the charts, and then of course there’s leaving all the housework and cooking and childcare to the women so that the guys can keep on top of the baseball standings.

Freedom of Religion and Belief in God:

I‘m surprised you didn’t put these two together, since they’re pretty much the same thing. I mean, shouldn’t everybody be required to have a religion that’s pretty much like yours, and pretty much believe in the same  God, and at least call him by his own name in English, for heaven’s sake?

Belief in Self:

That’s a puzzler. I’m not positive, but I think it means that Democrats believe that other people exist, whereas Repubs know that’s a crock.

Immigration Control:

Long overdue! This one I can back without reservation. Everyone who is an immigrant, or who is descended from immigrants, should please just run along home now to wherever it was you and your ancestors came from.

AND last but not least, Freedom of Speech:

We all know that this one’s the best of the list, because if we didn’t have freedom of speech, our local newspaper might not feel so constrained to print your attempt to divide the people of this Valley into “us” and “them” by administering a high-school pop-quiz that reduces serious and complex social problems to a cherry-picked list of politically slanted sound-bytes. But anyway, never mind! I’m not worried, because I’m pretty sure I passed your test. So when your next shipment of brown shirts comes in from China or wherever you’re having them made, give me a jingle. I’m size L.


I posted the link to your “letter to the editor” at Facebook and Twitter. What a searing satire about how many conservatives think! Thanks for dishing up their inconsistent beliefs with humor.

I am already having dreams about getting to dress up in those handsome Brown Shirts and try to goose-step. I will practice by watching our turkeys trot out on the meadow – is that close enough? Category-Think seems to be the style – even though Polonius said “don’t a tea-bagger nor a lefty be”. I want to vote on unregulated access to inadequately-tested pharmaceuticals and the freedom of insurance thieves to jack up premiums in a fully disciminate manner.