I still feel a terrible grief within when I reflect back at how many times I have been manipulated in the name of God. I am fifty years of age now, and my life has been ruined through so-called do-gooders, who in the name of their so-called “God” robbing me of my potential to have a good career, the right partner, and the freedom and opportunity of becoming a successful singer in my twenties.
My first encounter with a Christian who screwed with my head was a girl at university. I was going out with a guy who was a Christian like myself at the time, and she had a supposed “Word from God” that it was not his will for me to go out with Phil, and that I should finish with him if I was to be obedient to God. She spent five hours talking about her gift of prophecy and the Book of Daniel in the Old Testament part of the Bible. I was heartbroken but felt compelled to finish with him. Likewise he was heartbroken when I did.
The next occasion was when I had been accepted to train to become a psychiatric nurse. A minister told me that he had heard from God after feeling alarm bells in his spirit and told me that God had informed him that I would be in danger if I went ahead. The fear that this instilled in me and my naive belief that he must be right caused me to abandon the training, though I was in constant mental torment that weekend trying to hear from God for myself, but the fear won over. I have never had a career and look back with deep regret at what a wonderful career it could have turned out to be.
This next one is the biggest whopper. The same minister about three years later after I had joined his fellowship prophesied that I should marry his brother. I had started going out with Alan, but the infatuation I felt for him quickly diminished after a few days of courting him. Words from God were followed. I married, got divorced, was guilt ridden, and was told I could not remarry. This caused me thirteen years of turmoil and stopped me doing anything constructive with my life. I met someone else and fell in love, but didn’t believe that I could have sex or even marry him. Remarriage was forbidden even though my first marriage was a deception. Eventually after six years with Steve, and a few encouraging words, I came to the conclusion that under the circumstances that God would give me a second chance. On the morning of my wedding, my best friend turned up at my door telling me that I can’t marry Steve as I was married to Alan previously and that the Bible says that I would be committing adultery and I would go to hell. All my previous fears returned and I was filled with anxiety. I still married Steve as I wouldn’t let him down. We went on our honeymoon and my anxiety over the next two weeks increased. I drank away the pain and fear, but it came back the next day. I thought I was going to hell. It took a few years to come through this.
I now look back and feel very robbed and hurt by Christians who took it upon themselves supposedly through “God’s instruction” to do or not do the opposite to what I was feeling within. I would have had a great career with financial security now at the age of fifty. I would not have dreamed of marrying someone when I had such strong doubts that was causing me severe anxiety, only to be told that it was the devil attacking me and that I should stand in faith. How stupid was I.
I feel anger when I look at a Christian with their smug smiles and condescending looks. Not one non-christian has caused me any confusion and told me what to do.
I also doubted my faith when fellow Christians were telling me that they didn’t think I was genuine and the same minister who deceived me said that he had a vision of me digging my spiritual grave.
I now have an open mind about religion and think a lot of it spoken of through the mouths of arrogant men are just talking through their pompous asses!
I hope that I can make amends to sort out my life and regain what the so called godly messages has taken away from me…