You Have to Join YOGOL!


From KATIE PETRACHONIS
McSweeney’s

You absolutely have to join YOGOL—it’s this cool, new social media site I just found out about! It’s incredible. It takes all your current social networking sites and builds on them to make your whole social media experience so much better. Seriously, I have no clue how I ever lived online without it.

Let me explain how YOGOL works. Basically you sign up through all your current sites—Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare, Google+, LinkedIn, etc—and YOGOL measures your usage to find out how much time you spend being social online. Isn’t that cool?! Haven’t you always wanted to know exactly how much of your one and only life you’re giving to social networks? I know I have!

Here’s a perfect example of why you need YOGOL! Remember when I posted that remark on Facebook and Twitter about how Justin Bieber seemed sadder after he cut off his hair? Well, just like everyone else, every time I make that kind of astute observation, I spend the next 6-12 hours tracking the likes, comments, shares, favorites and re-tweets. Basically, I am still participating in social media and wasting my life away, but not really getting credit for it. That’s just not fair! I forgot to count all those hours of refreshing my browser every 15 seconds as circumventing reality, even though it clearly is—but not anymore.

That’s why you have to join! YOGOL analyzes your time online and gives you credit for every hour of your life that you dedicate to sidestepping your existence. Before this site I thought I spent maybe 5 or 6 hours online a week, but now I know that I devote more than 60 hours to living but not really living on my social media sites every week. Huh, who would have thought? I’m so much more committed to avoiding real relationships and experiences than I ever imagined!

If I’m going to contribute that amount of time to dodging any real chance at love then it’s only fair that I get some kind of acknowledgement for it. With YOGOL, I do. Plus I can compare my social media usage to my friends and we can see who is the most connected online and least able to see—really see—the world around them. There is even this cool bar graph that shows you the amount of time you spend virtually living versus actually living so you know exactly how much time you are online and ruining any chance you ever had for true happiness!

But that’s not all—not even close! YOGOL is super smart. Once it has access to your sites it somehow calculates your total time online and deducts it from your life expectancy. How does it know your life expectancy? Duh! It uses some kind of algorithm to predict how long you’ll live based on the amount of time you dedicate to sitting lifelessly in front of your computer, phone and iPad. So neat, right?

Oh, and I almost forgot, once you sign up, you absolutely, positively have to get the YOGOL app! I never thought I’d get to see my tombstone. But, guess what? Now I have a visual representation of exactly what it will look like, and I can compare it with all my friends and followers and Yogols!

The YOGOL app takes all your social media data into consideration and lists it, via percentages, right on your customized headstone! Based on my nearly complete lack of physical activity, my life expectancy is 41. If I would die right now, my social media usage would be 82% and my life usage would be 18%. Not to brag, but that’s, like, one of the best online/real life ratios on the web!

Look, you’re really gonna love YOGOL, I promise! It’s still in beta testing, but I already sent you an invite—so look out for it! The subject line is “YOGOL: You Only Get One Life” in case it goes to spam. It’s the one with an hourglass logo! Trust me, you totally won’t regret this on your deathbed!
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One Comment

How much of my existence did I spend reading that blog post? Can’t get that time back. ;o}

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