10 amazing truths you already suspected


From MARK MORFORD
SF Gate

Did you already know? I bet you already knew. Or at the very least, had a sneaking suspicion…

1) The end is near-ish! Government overspending will be the death of us all! Massive, crushing debt will blot out the sun and ruin your lawn! Buy gold and hoard it in your small intestine for the End Times that are coming soon! The GOP and Glenn Beck hath spoken!

Yes, it’s the everyday puling of the Republican right, a common refrain about how the liberal gummint is dead-set on bankrupting the nation as fast as possible. And the Tea Party eats it up like the giant sourball of falsehood it very much is.

Ironic, then, how it’s actually the Tea Party-riffic red states that suck up far, far more in government handouts than the blue. Did you already know? I bet you did. Even more amusing is the inverse relationship: The more red/Republican a given state votes — and hence the more loudly it complains about government spending — the more it swallows federal handouts like Charlie Sheen inhaling Bolivia. It’s true. It’s also sort of amazing.

2) It all dovetails sweetly with the fact that the more morally righteous and fundamentally Christian a red state is, the higher its teen pregnancy rates, the sadder its abortion rates, the less it cares for its poor and its needy, the more awful its sex education, the less it contributes to the national dialogue and the more paranoid its gun-loving, Bible-misquoting, Fox News-adoring citizenry.

Does it matter? Nope. As evidenced by the last election, the Republicans know — and brilliantly leverage — a rather vile truism liberals cannot seem to grasp: When all is said and done, it pays to be a hypocrite.

3) Fox News makes you stupid. Fox News makes you stupid. Fox News viewers are the most misinformed about the world of any group next to Michele Bachmann’s closetful of pathetically maleducated demons. You already knew this, a new study confirms it, but perhaps repeating it over and over again will slowly embed this fact into the skulls of Murdoch’s army? Right. Probably not. But it’s still fun to say. Fox News makes you stupid. Fox News makes you stupid. The pope loves disco balls and ABBA (see below). Fox News makes you stupid.

4) America’s biggest problem? Nope, it isn’t guns, violence, Bieber haircuts or Fox News. It’s insufficient access to booze. True! Some days you have to walk, like, 20 feet to get to the nearest open vodka spigot. Precious handfuls of America’s college students have yet to binge-drink themselves into toxic comas. Thank God, then, Wal-Mart is testing some new wine-dispensing vending machines. Yes, indeed.

Because if there’s one thing you want to go with your new rifle and gallon drum of meth-making fertilizer, it’s a $2.99 magnum of Wal-Mart Sauv Blanc dumped out by a giant machine stationed next to the arcade game where you try to grab a creepy 25-cent Chinese-made stuffed animal with a huge metal claw. Fun for kids!

5) Only idiots care about great sex. Only people without a mad desire to be praised like puppies for their every spit and gurgle would ever want to screw like happy banshees and induce orgasms that make God’s toes curl. As for America’s “young, bright college students”? Well, they’d prefer a nice complement, maybe a good grade on a paper, over sex any day. Yay youth!

So suggests a weird and entirely useless new study, in which it is awkwardly proven that today’s Facebook-obsessed meta-narcissists are clearly not having enough slippery, mind-blowing orgasms that shatter their precious worldviews and make them taste the divine. If they were, they’d know: great sex is a stupendous compliment, perhaps the best one love, money or Wal-Mart Sauv Blanc can buy. Just ask the pope.

6) The pope! Right. Wouldn’t be a proper “10 Truths” list without a mention of the ever-quotable P. Benedict, always ready with a fine, hoary excuse for the gay porn palace that is the Catholic priesthood.

Benedict’s latest justification for much of the priestly pedophilia and sexual abuse of (recent) yore? It was the bell bottoms. The hot tubs. John Travolta. The rainbows and disco dancing and everyone snorting huge rails of cocaine off David Bowie’s eyebrows in Studio 54.

In other words, it was the ’70s! Everyone was doing the perverted sex thing. Promiscuity, adultery, maybe a little rape, kids fellating each other in public, the sexual revolution. Really, can you blame a lonely priest circa 1976 for wanting a piece of the hot, young disco action?

Why yes, Pope Benedict. You very much can.

7) Hi, CBS News! I am hereby hurling a giant crouton of disrespect in your direction for your recent, hugely irresponsible story about how those nefarious terrorists — the same masterminds who somehow haven’t been able to pull off a single stunt of any scale or relevance in America in 10 years — these monsters are right now scheming to spread all kinds of scary poisons all over … can you guess? America’s salad bars.

That’s right. According to your panicky, complete BS story, the twin towers were just a warm-up. The real action for modern terrorists will be trying to sicken handfuls of overweight Americans by way of spreading cyanide over the Salisbury steak at the Sizzler buffet. Note to CBS News and Al Queda: Have you seen the fried, mutilated garbage in most American food outlets these days? Have you ever eaten at Taco Bell? Honey, cyanide is the least of our worries.

8) Mmm, Taco Bell. The very name conjures images of tormented Chihuahuas, florescent orange liquids and steaming vats of a gnarled, meat-like paste that fills the gullets of gullible Americans who are addicted to sodium, corn syrup solids and, uh, “polysaccharide absorbed as glucose.”

And lots of it! You will be not the slightest bit surprised to read that Taco Bell’s “beef” isn’t actually meat. The vast majority of it — 65 percent, to be exact — consists of assorted chemicals, salts, anti-caking agents, binders, fillers, fake smells, imitation flavoring, lost dreams, road tar, hair gel, horse toenails and, strangely, John Boehner.

What might surprise you is that someone is suing the folks at Taco Bell over the fact that their swill isn’t 100 percent real meat, as if they didn’t know. Hell, even the “real” meat isn’t real meat, what with the hormones and antibiotics and weak, corn-fed cows that taste like sadness. Taco Bell: Think Outside the Colorectal Cancer.

9) America’s favorite book? The Bible. The single tome that tops the bestseller list every year and is cited by all GOP hopefuls as their favoritest book ever next to “The Hungry Caterpillar” and “Curious George Disappears Into a Gay Pride Parade and Emerges Four Days Later Wearing Nothing But a Cock Ring and a Smile”? The Bible.

The book the vast majority of Americans know the least about, never fail to misinterpret their facts when referencing, generally haven’t actually read and largely haven’t the slightest clue what they’re talking about despite how they claim to set their wobbly moral compasses by it? One guess.

10) The end is near-ish! Totally not kidding this time! It’s just a few months away, May 21 to be exact, which gives you just enough time to drive around in a horrible little car with cute stickers all over it, never have sex and lose all your friends as you spread the dire word that, well, you’d better shape up and set things right before Jesus comes down, sees your fetish porn collection, reads your last Facebook update, scoffs mightily and blasts your poor soul to hell. Or maybe Orange County. Or John Boehner.

May 21! It’s a Saturday. Bring sandwiches. And vodka.
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